


All On Him

by PhoebePrentiss



Category: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF
Genre: Addiction, Boys In Love, Explicit Sexual Content, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Sex, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Queer Culture, References to Depression, Romance, Sex, Sexual Content, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-01-24 12:15:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21338089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoebePrentiss/pseuds/PhoebePrentiss
Summary: Not everything is as it seems behind closed doors. Especially for the group of best friends behind Netflix's 'Queer Eye'.The tension between Antoni and Tan is growing.With both in relationships and in complete denial about their feelings, there's only so long it can stay swept under the rug.Drama, Sex, and a whole lot of forbidden feelings.
Relationships: Tan France/Antoni Porowski, Tan France/Rob France, antoni porowski/kevin harrington
Comments: 27
Kudos: 66





	1. One Way Trigger

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter takes turns in following both Tan and Antoni.  
And yes, those are The Strokes song titles as chapter titles.  
Promise to keep updating! Enjoy!

The sun came up and morning came, as did the cluster of regrets from that extra bottle of red wine. The beams of light from the 8 am sun was pushing through the gaps between the white, flowing drapes. Much to the dismay of the handsome disheveled man nursing another fuzzy hangover. Antoni lay in the bed, pressing his head into the pillow, before reaching out for water he left on the floor next to the mattress.

"FUCK" he groaned as he knocked over the wine bottle. He sat up in the fresh white sheets, brown eyes stinging from the sun. He rubbed his face and pushed his hair back with his fingers. He felt nauseous, he felt so dehydrated his brain felt like it was seizing up and throbbing. His bones felt like they were trembling and his heart, racing. Anxiety set in.

He picked up the empty bottle of wine from its side and put it down. He picked up the glass and chugged the water. He stopped to look around the new, empty apartment he bought. Boxes of Decor and plants he put out to make the place feel more like home, filled up the room. A home away from home. That is what this place was supposed to be. But his heart belonged to New York. However, Antoni spent so much time in LA he wanted his own space to go back to, to unwind, to hang out with friends, that felt like his own. Instead of living out of suitcases in hotel rooms.

Antoni looked around the California king mattress on the floor he sat on. The wine, again. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal. It was a couple of drinks with new friends. Then home. However, it ended like it always did. Opening another bottle and drinking himself to sleep. He hoped his best friends didn't find out. He had quit drinking a couple of years ago. After it got too much. He never wanted to admit it was a problem. He just liked to party right? He liked to sip on whiskey like James Dean, Dean Martin, and Sinatra. The icons did it. Drink the red wine that reminded him of the most romantic nights of his life. But he also drank to feel, feel something, feel everything and also feel nothing. To feel numb. He tried to find a better way of dealing with it. But he always ended up back to alcohol and cigarettes. Another bad taste in his mouth. When he drinks, he smokes.

"Bad habits die hard," he muttered to himself before throwing the packet of Marlboro Lights at the trash can in the corner. He climbed out of the mattress on the floor, in just his Calvins and a gold chain around his neck, his body muscular and tanned. He unplugged his phone from the charger and checked his notifications. Social media, busy as ever. A message from his friend Bobby containing a picture of a wallpaper pattern. He scrolled down to find a message from his best friend, Tan simply saying '?' Antoni's heart fluttered and his stomach flipped.

"Shhhit shit shit...what the fuck did I say?" he frantically tried to get onto his messages between Tan and him. Putting in the wrong passcode, facial recognition not working for some reason.

"Why won't you just fucking work?!" he started spluttering curses in Polish before accidentally calling Tan. He quickly hung up and got onto the message. 'He's not you' the message read.

Antoni took in a deep breath before pressing his face in his hands. He held it for a minute before pushing his face through and circling this palms over his cheeks and then along his jawline, hands meeting over his mouth and chin in a prayer position. His eyes quickly darted around in front of him in concentration while he thought of what to do or say to brush it off.

"Wrong person? ...no who would I say that too?" he struggled to find the solution. His phone loudly started ringing, which made him jump. He looked down. Tan calling. He stared at the phone until it rang out. Antoni slid down the wall and sighed.

The phone rang again and he quickly looked down. Facetime from Jonny. He picked up to see one of his best friends JVN driving n his car.

”Ooooh, cayoooote! Look at you all rugged and sexy in the morning! Those eye bags are cuter than my Chanel henny! What is up?!" JVN beamed enthusiastically, almost dancing out of his driver's seat.

"I didn't sleep well. New apartment and all. What's up Jonny? What's the plan today?" Antoni tried to seem his usual self. He blinked his eyes open, cleared his throat and half-smiled.

”New apartment henny that's right, that's where this little car is driving to gorgeous! We're on our way to you!" Jonathon said as he looked over at the passenger seat smiling to someone that was off-camera. Antoni was about to ask when Jonathon piped up "I got you a little baby house warming gift! You better get some coffee ready as your girl is in NEED of a caffeine boost."

"On it -" Antoni didn't have a chance to finish before Jonathon interrupted.

"Why haven't you been answering your phone Mr?" JVN suspiciously probed, squinting at the camera.

"I didn't realize you called," Antoni said as JVN lifted an eyebrow and smirked. Jonathon shrugged it off and tried to change the subject before the mysterious passenger piped up.

"bullshit" Antoni's heart jumped into his throat before Tan appeared on the camera as he obviously picked up JVNs phone from the holder on the dashboard. "You called me Ant?" He looked concerned and confused.

"Tanny!" Antoni's heart fluttered. His eyes lit up and a dopey smile spread across his face. "I'm sorry, my phone was acting up." Tans face changed into a smile as he heard him say his name and saw his face. Antoni could never do wrong in his eyes. Suddenly Antoni remembered the message from this morning and felt his whole body shiver. "How long will you guys be?!"

"Erm...I don't know, How long will we be Jackie?" Tan turned to JVN. 

"We're literally like 5 minutes away" Antoni heard JVN off-camera.

"Awesome, sorry for the mess here," Antoni said goodbye and frantically got up off the floor.

"Fuck" He muttered as he scooped up the wine bottle and cigarettes and stuffed them into the bottom of an empty drawer. Antoni opened up his windows and sprayed a little air freshener before lighting candles around the apartment. He shook his sheets and made the bed before stripping off naked and balling up his Calvins and throwing them into the laundry basket. 

Antoni hopped into the shower for the quickest shower of his life. 'They're gonna be here any minute, I have to be ok. I have to LOOK ok.' there he was, thinking of how to impress Tan again. His best friend. He would never admit it to himself but there were obviously some feelings that weren't being talked about.

Antoni heard the buzzer go, he hopped out of the shower and threw a towel around his waist before buzzing the boys in. He had time to check himself out in the mirror, flicking back his dripping wet hair and tensing his abs and arms. Making sure the towel was low enough to catch eyes but high enough so it wasn't obvious. The door flung open and Antoni turned away from the mirror to face Jonathon and Tan. 

"Are you freaking kidding me?! Ooooh, baby!" Jonathon teased as he traced a finger down Antoni's body before skipping into the kitchen carrying a new plant. Antoni turned to face Tan who was staring exactly where Antoni wanted him to, biting his lip. 

"TANNY!" Antoni's eyes and smile widened as he spread out his big muscular arms ready for holding his best friend in a welcoming hug. Tan wrapped his arms around Antoni's waist and rested his head on his chest. 

"EW, you're damp! My hair! I'm not getting that curly for anyone!" Tan pushed Ant away giggling." Oh by the way," he whispered "I brought you something" Tan took out a packet of aspirin and a vitamin drink from his pocket waved them at Antoni with a concerned look and then hid them behind a shoe rack so JVN didn't notice. He gave him a sad smile and pecked him on the cheek before joining Jonathon.

"Hey, guys? I'm just gonna change, be with you in a minute" Antoni shouted to the boys in the kitchen before he picked up the aspirin and drink and took both into his room. He took the aspirin and downed the drink before dropping his towel. Antoni felt good naked. He'd had issues with his body in the past, feeling chubby and not quite good enough, however now, he had a new body, fit and muscular. His new boyfriend Kevin was partly to thank for the newest toning and gains. He was a fitness instructor. Antoni's personal trainer, before the workouts went from in the gym, to the locker room showers. Antoni bit his lip and smiled as he replayed those moments in flashes. The moaning, grabbing, sweating. The steam from the shower, the passion between the two of them. The sound of Kevin moaning his name. He felt himself getting harder and harder, he was so turned on. Just then the door flew open. 

"NOT THE BATHROOM!" Tan spluttered as his eyes widened at the sight of Antonis naked body before his eyes fell to his erection. "HO-LY."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the first! I promise to keep updating!


	2. Hard to Explain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tan is clutching onto denial.

"I AM SO BLOODY SORRY" Tan spluttered, blushing, not sure where to look.

Antoni clumsily attempted to cover himself with his hands as Tan quickly turned around and got out of the door as quick as he could. He shut the door behind him and fell back against it, letting out the breath he had been holding in. He took another deep breath before finding the bathroom and locking the door behind him. 

Tan looked at himself in the mirror as he attempted to pull himself together. Struggling to see himself behind the steam from Antoni's shower earlier, Tan tried to compose himself. He realized he was turned on. And that wasn't ok. This wasn't the first time he had gotten all hot and bothered over Antoni. He rolled his eyes and shook his head before attempting to fix his hair and blotting his face. Tan twiddled his wedding ring with his thumb.

"Sorry" he whispered while looking at his ring. Tan had a husband. The man of his dreams. His husband Rob was an artist. He would create beautiful paintings of models, people in history, public figures, but his favorite thing to paint was Tan. His muse. However, here those thoughts were again. Antoni was his best friend. Kindred spirits they called one another. Rob used to feel unsettled about his closeness with Antoni at first. He would see them together on TV and online. Hear about them. How affectionate they were with one another. 

"That's just how we all are sweetheart" Tan would reassure Rob. This was before he introduced the two of them. They got along so well. That was before Tan realized he was feeling different about Antoni. He always found him attractive. But this was different. Sometimes he would hold onto him a little longer, the affection felt romantic. He often found himself having prolonged eye contact with Antoni as he could literally feel the love between them. Not the brotherly love they once felt. But he would freak out and look away. Tell himself it wasn't true. Denial can only be powerful for so long.

Tan took out his phone and opened the text from Antoni the night before. 'He's not you.' it read. Tan sighed. He wondered if it was meant for him. If it wasn't, surely he would have told Tan about another man. Maybe he meant it in a friendly way. Or maybe it was just for him. Tan began to daydream. He pictured Antoni, the way he just saw him. his eyes scanning his body, starting with his beautiful smile, down, down, down before reaching his...

"TAN! Are you taking a shit? I seriously gotta pee! Hurry up!" JVN banged on the door.  
Tan ran to the door and unlocked it. 

"No! Sorry I was texting Rob and got carried away sitting there!" Tan was flustered. He stepped out the door.

"Who got you all hot and bothered? Are you finally exchanging dick pics? Good for you!" Jonathon squealed clapping his hands in excitement. 

Tan rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen to find Antoni at his coffee machine, back to him, unaware of Tan's presence. This time clothes were on plain black T-shirt and jeans, signature James Dean type look. Tans eyes followed his outline, how his arms bulged out of his T-shirt. How his back arched over the counter, the lines between the fabric over his shoulder blades. Tan quietly walked over to Antoni and ran his hands up his back and onto his shoulders and gave them an affectionate massage. 

"Finally decided to put some clothes on then? Thank God." Tan teased. Antoni shot around and looked down at Tan. He smiled wide and blushed.

"Oh my God. I am so sorry. That's so embarrassing." Antoni laughed before scooping his friend up in his arms. "I missed you Tanny Banny" he said in a baby voice.

"Nnnyeah? Me too." Tan replied in the same voice. The two shared a long hug before Tan pulled away and looked Antoni in the eye. "How are you feeling this morning then? Has the aspirin helped? What happened?" Tan was concerned.

"I'm so sorry. I know I shouldn't have had a drink but it just happened again. I guess I just got a little down lately. " Antoni looked down at the ground then back up at Tan. "How did you know?" His brown eyes wide, sad and apologetic.

"Because I know you. Don't be sorry to me love. It's you I'm worried about." Tan tilted his head and stroked Antoni's face with his hand. Antoni closed his eyes and lightly moved his face into Tan's hand. This wasn't out of the ordinary. They were always close. However, Tan found himself admiring Antoni's features. He traced his fingers over his cheekbones and across his jawline before tracing the outline of his lips with his thumb. With his eyes still shut, Antoni let out a heavy breath through his nose and furrowed his brow. He pressed his lips against Tan's thumb in a small kiss and brushed his face across tans hand. Tan watched him. It was hard to resist kissing him at this moment. 


	3. Trying Your Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The temptation is there, emotions are high. Could it really be okay to go for it?

Antoni's heart was fluttering, he felt his breath become shakey, all he wanted was to kiss him. His eyes were still shut. Partly because he was so lost in the moment, partly because this was breaking his heart and he knew that if he opened his eyes, there would be tears. But partly it was because he was scared, scared that if he opened his eyes, the realization of how wrong this was would come over Tan and he would leave. Antoni's biggest fears, rejection, abandonment, and losing Tan. He felt like he was on a terrifying ride at Disney world, high up and it felt dangerous, scary but also beautifully thrilling. If he opened his eyes maybe he would see the beautiful views and feel the thrill and enjoyment, or maybe he would see all of his biggest fears, fall and never get up again.  


Tan's hand felt soft and warm against Antoni's face. It felt like home. He imagined Tan grabbing a hold of his face, kissing him, Antoni would open his eyes and Tan would be looking into them with love. He would hold him and feel him, tell him that he loved him. But this could never happen.  


As soon as Antoni thought of this again, he felt another wave of heartbreak, this time he couldn't fight the tears. His throat tightened. He bowed his head away from Tan's hand and tried not to make a sound as he felt the tears fall.  


"Ey, what wrong my love?" Tan gently grabbed Antonis' face with both his hands, held his face up and watched the tears fall. Antoni faced Tan, but Tan was hard to see through the warm cascade of heartache, rushing from his eyes. Antoni almost looked angry. "Antoni.." Tan started, but before he could finish, Antoni lunged towards Tan, grabbing onto him before pressing his lips on his.  


Tan was completely startled.  


"Ant!" Tan pushed Antoni away, his own eyes filling up to the brim with tears, he looked furious. "Why? Why would you?"  


"I'm sorry!" Antoni sprung back almost confused about what he had done like he was under some kind of spell. He panicked. "I don't know what came over me, I'm so sorry, Tan seriously" Antoni grabbed Tans shoulder.  


"No. Don't touch me right now," Tan whispered furiously so JVN wouldn't hear as he pushed Antoni away. Tan shook his head in disbelief as he stared at Antoni, who was still stunned.  


"So this place is cute! Tons of potential!" JVN said as he walked into the kitchen. Tan didn't turn around to look at him, he just faced Antoni, who still had tears streaming down his face. "OMG Antoni! What's the matter, baby?" Jonathan hurried over to Antoni to wipe his tears and embrace him. "What happened? Are you ok?" as soon as the embrace was over JVN turned to see a furious looking Tan who was still staring at Antoni. "Wait.."  


"Nothing happened. It's fine." Tan stated. Not breaking eye contact with Antoni.  


"No seriously guys.." Jonathan was nervous. His voice sounded shaky and his face completely changed. The 'Serious JVN' was not something the boys were used to. No one was. Not even JVN himself. Tan turned and sternly gave a nod at JVN.  


"Seriously it's fine." Tan took one look back at Antoni as if he was waiting for him to say something in return. He raised an eyebrow. Staring. He pursed his lips and shook his head. Antoni was shaking inside. He had never seen Tan this angry, especially at him. Tan had never been angry at him. He felt his heart break again, but he was too scared to do or say anything. "Coffees cold and it turns out I'm not that thirsty anyway." Tan grabbed his jacket and walked out.  


As soon as he heard the front door slam shut, Antoni collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing. He felt the world crumble beneath him. So many thoughts ran through his head.  


"What. The. Fuck." Jonathan was wide-eyed and confused. "What the fuck just happened Antoni?" Jonathan was shellshocked. Mouth wide open. "Like what the actual fuck right now." He crouched down and put a hand on Antoni's shoulder. Antoni let out every held in emotion in a heart-wrenching sob. He struggled to catch his breath.  


"I'm so stupid." Antoni looked up at Jonathan, his eyes red and swollen still soaked with tears. "He'll never forgive me"  


"Seriously what the fuck did you do baby?" Jonathan quietly asked as he softly cradled Antoni and kissed his head. "I'm driving Tan home so he can't go anywhere. I'll go find him" Jonathan got up to follow Tan.  


"NO! I have to do this. Please don't Jonny. It'll only make things worse." Antoni got up and wiped the tears from his face. Jonathan looked back at Antoni sympathetically.  
"Are you sure that's a good idea? Seriously, what the hell happened? What did you say? I'm confused AF" Jonathan tilted his head and dropped his shoulders. He was frustrated with the situation.  


"This is my fault. I got carried away" Antoni looked at the door longingly. "I'm fucking hungover okay? Probably still drunk." Antoni shrugged his shoulders. He stood there trying to gather himself together, but all he could feel was the tension rising up inside him. He was angry. Angry at himself. Angry at Tan. Angry at everything that happened in the last few minutes. He grabbed the coffee mug from the kitchen counter, lifted it up and smashed it into the sink and walked towards the front door as shards of the mug went flying up in the air, coffee splattered over the wall behind the sink.


	4. Under Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the aftermath and JVN is suspicious.

Tan slammed the door shut on Antoni's new apartment. He had to getaway. Get out of there. What if one of them followed him? He kept on walking until he was around the corner. He found a small passageway between some trees in the park nearby. Tan looked around to make sure no was looking. No one recognized him. That would be the last thing he needed. He followed the passage before he found a large tree, No one around.

He hid behind it before leaning back against it. As he did he let out everything he had been holding in. Tan cried. Tan wasn't a crier. 

"For fuck sake." Tan tried to turn the crying into anger. He always found that easier to deal with. Why else would snarky comments be his forte?

He wiped his face, checking his reflection in the camera of his phone. Very few people had seen him cry. If anyone recognized him everything would be over. That's how he felt.  
Tan looked down at his wedding band again. The feeling of guilt washed over him. 

Why was Tan angry? Because it wasn't supposed to happen. Not like that. Not when he was married, to Rob.  
Why did he feel guilty? Because all Tan wanted was kiss Antoni back. He wanted him so bad. He felt bad that he upset Antoni. Especially when he was acting so angry. That was a defense mechanism. 

Now Tan had to deal with the fact he had hurt Antoni. He had never made him cry before. Tan had spent hours in the past sitting with Antoni, holding him when he was down, wiping away his tears and listening to him when he needed it most. Tan hated it when Antoni would cry, he wanted to protect him. Now, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't protect Antoni from the hurt he was now feeling, because it was him that caused it.

That text last night was for Tan. His heart fluttered as he realized that Antoni wanted him back. He reimagined how it could have gone. Antoni kissing him and Tan giving in to his heart and kissing him back. The rush. But surely JVN would have walked in, that would have been worse.

As soon as JVN entered Tan's head he wondered what JVN knew. Had Antoni told him what had happened?

He panicked. The dread of everything that could be being said right now would ruin everything. If Antoni told Jonathan what happened, things would never be the same. Tan knew he had to talk to them both. All he wanted was to take it all and hug Antoni better. 

Tan's phone started buzzing. He quickly answered.

"Where are you?" It was Antoni. 

Tan didn't answer back.

"Tanny please, I'm so sorry okay?" Antoni sounded desperate, he was pleading with him. Tan felt terrible. Small tears left his eyes, as he felt them roll down his cheek he sniffled and blinked back the tears as he wiped his face. "I shouldn't have done that. I know. It was so stupid of me. I'm just hungover. This is why I shouldn't drink. Tan, please. Just let me see you"

"Where's Jackie?" Tan replied.

"He's still in my apartment, I'm out on the street looking for you" 

"I'm sorry I acted like that" Tan began as he walked back to the street. He walked as quickly as he could before reaching the end of the passage. He turned left looking down the road. "I don't want to hurt you, sweetheart. There's more to it."

"I know." Tan heard a voice a few meters behind him, and he quickly turned around. Tan put his phone back into his pocket. Antoni was stood there, eyes still swollen and red from sobbing. He was sweating and out of breath, he had obviously been looking for Tan. Tans face softened into a sad look. Antoni rested his hands on his knees, as he tried to catch his breath, he then raised his arm and wiped the sweat from his forehead before looking up at tan. Tan bit his lip. Before shaking his head. He realized it was no time to be crushing over him. 

"You were out of order, I was out of order. Can we just bloody forget this and move on" Tan tried to find an easy way out so he could hug his best friend again.

"I can't forget this. I think we need to talk about it." Antoni walked towards Tan. "Can you at least give me that? I don't mean now. Tonight, at Karamos." Tan agreed although it was the last thing he wanted to do. His husband, Rob was all that was on his mind, but so was Antoni. It was a cruel game of tug of war. One side was shredded with guilt, feeling for Rob, just wanting to call him and reassure him everything would forever be okay. The other, wanting to apologize to Antoni, wanting to tell him why he got so mad and then showing him how he felt. As soon as he thought of this, he got the tingles. His blood rushed. 

"Hate to break up the tele novella babies, but I really gotta get outta here or my car is getting towed. Can we finish this later?" Jonathan yelled from Antoni's doorway.

"Yeah, I'm coming." Tan started to walk towards Antoni's apartment. He felt Antoni run up behind him and grab his hand. 

"I haven't told him anything. Can we act normal?" Antoni whispered desperately.

"Of course." Tan forced a reassuring smile and squeezed Antoni's hand. He looked down at their fingers intertwined and his heart sank. Such a mix of emotions. Tan felt everything. It felt so right holding his hand, it was breaking his heart.

The two hugged and parted ways as Tan walked towards Jonathan's car. He turned to watch JVN hug Antoni goodbye and walk towards the car.  
Antoni looked at Tan from his doorway and half smiled with sad eyes. Tan shot around at the sound of JVN jingling his keys.

"Girl talk. Now." JVN sounded serious. He gave Tan daggers before getting into the driver's seat and slamming the door shut. Tan rolled his eyes before taking a deep breath, anticipating what Jonathan was going to say. 

"Here comes the grilling." Tan quietly muttered through gritted teeth before opening the car door and getting into the passenger side.

JVN started the car and didn't say a word for a couple of miles. Tan felt awkward and even more nervous the longer the silence went on. 

"Hey I didn't notice they have a new doughnut shop there!" Tan tried to change the subject and sound normal.

"Cut the shit Tan. WTF. What. Freakin'. Happened. SPILL." 

"Nothing I was just being a sassy little queen. Antoni was being the oversensitive baby he always is. Nothing to spill."

"That is hot stanky bullshit and you can smell it." Jvn smiled suspiciously.

"Nothing happened. I'll tell you about it later." Tan lied. Jonathan looked him up and down deep in thought. Tan felt uncomfortable. "Hey, can we just stop here? I could do with going to that store. I need some water, it's bloody hot today."

"Sure" Jonathan slowed and started to pull over. "So annoying my Spotify is being crazy again, sorry for the lack of music" Jonathan pulled a sad face and looked at Tan. Tan rolled his eyes, laughed and handed JVN his phone. "Yay!" Jonathan cheered. "Thank you Tanny Bananay" 

"No problem Blanche. Back in two." Tan threw on his shades and walked into the store. 

He wandered around looking for the drinks section. Grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and went up to the counter, there were a few people in front of him. "Bloody great." He thought. He was hot, tired and needed a few minutes to himself. He twiddled his wedding band again. He was so confused. He tried to think of the atmosphere before he got mad. Before everything messed up. He remembered Antoni. Naked. He got a shiver and he bit his lip again. He daydreamed in the queue. He wanted to see him again, hear his voice. He reached into his pocket for his phone. But it wasn't there. He frantically checked his pockets again before realizing, of course, Jonathan had it for Spotify. A slither of relief passed him before the text crossed his mind. That's why Jonathan wanted the phone!

He quickly paid for his water and hurried over to the car. He didn't want to outright accuse Jonathan, maybe he hadn't been snooping. 

"Oh my lawd, that took you fo evah" Jonathans Blanche voice came out.

"Long queue" Tan drank some water before exchanging the bottle for his phone. Jonathan was playing Kim Petras Heart to Break loud and singing even louder.  
Surely he hadn't read it. He would have said something by now.

They drove for another ten minutes just talking about general stuff, mostly planning their night at Karamos as he was having a get together with the fab five and some of his other friends that night. As they reached the hotel Jonathan skipped to the next song.

"OMG HENNY! Remember this golden child?!" She's No You by Jesse McCartney started to play. Tan felt his stomach churn. He looked awkwardly at Jonathan.

"Oh yeah, I used to have such a crush on him!" Laughed Tan before going to turn off the radio. Jonathan stopped him before he sang the chorus, the word changed a little. He winked and opened his mouth in a wide smile he sang.

"HE'S NO YOUUU, OH NO, YOU GIVE ME MORE THAN I COULD EVER WANT, HE'S NO YOUU, OH NO." Jonathan was dancing around in his driver seat smiling wildly at Tan.

"N-N-N-NO!" Tan tried to shut it off as he realized. As the song stopped JVN smiled. 

"So you gonna tell me what's really going on?"


	5. Oblivius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karamo's house party

The car pulled up to the gates of a beautiful house up in Westwood hills. The driver buzzed in, then drove over the gravel driveway and pulled up to the front door. The man in the back thanked the driver and got out of the black car. He stood for a second looking up to the balcony to see if he could see anyone around. He could hear the music coming from inside. The dark-haired man walked around the side of the house to look through the few trees at the terrific view of the lights of LA. He took a deep breath, slightly anxious about what was to come.

"You know its a lot better from the balcony?" said a voice behind him. He turned to face the man behind him.

"Karamo!" He smiled!

"Antoni, what in the hell are you doing out here? Bring it in." Karamo extended his arms and embraced Antoni. After a short hug, Karamo put his arm around Antoni and began to walk him to the front door of his house. "You know, I heard you had a hard time today. Anything you wanna talk about?"

"I'm good right now thanks," Antoni rolled his eyes. Karamo meant well, Antoni knew this, but it felt like he was forever trying to psychoanalyze. 

"If you need me, you know where I am. I said the same to Tan." Karamo smiled reassuringly.

"Why? What did he tell you?" Antoni panicked.

"Nothing really, he just said that the two of you had a disagreement and he got mad and upset you. I think he feels bad." Karamo sounded so soothing. He had a way of calming everything down.

"He feels bad? Why? It was my fault." Antoni looked up at Karamo's eyebrows raised, eyes worried. 

"God, you two are soft with each other." Karamo teased. "Maybe you should go talk to him. Sounds like you're both feeling pretty bad whatever it was." Karamo squeezed Antoni's shoulder reassuringly before opening the door and showing him inside.

Antoni walked into Karamo's house, the long hallway was dark and the ceilings were high. He scanned the photos on the wall of Karamo and his family as he followed him into the large kitchen. The light was fairly low, apart from a couple of dim, low hanging bulbs hung over the bar. Small spotlights warmed the darkest parts of the room and glasses and bottles scattered the bar and counters. He scanned the few people sat on barstools in the search of one of the boys. Then a familiar face caught his eye. 

"Uhh hello handsome!" a voice shouted. 

"Now I know you better be talking to me Sugah!" Laughed Karamo at the voice as he poured Antoni a non-alcoholic cocktail. 

"Daddy, you know I only got eyes for you." Ian flirtatiously tapped Karamo's butt before kissing him on the cheek and making his way over to Antoni. Ian was Karamos fiance, the two had been together for years, they shared custody of Karamos, son and step-son. The perfect happy family. Antoni was always slightly envious of that, but he loved Karamo and his family. 

"Ian! How's it going? Have you done something to the place? It looks even better than when I was last here." Antoni looked for small talk, he struggled with social situations sometimes.

"Darling, are you kidding me? I've been trying to get him to let me get the kitchen redone, but you know how he is. Don't fix something that ain't broken." Ian mimicked Karamo while rolling his eyes and laughing. Antoni was handed his drink by Karamo who was raising an eyebrow at Ian.

"It's a good thing I love you." He teased, smiling lovingly at his fiance while pulling him closer by his jeans pocket. 

"Get a room!" Antoni smirked at the two of them. He scanned the room for any sign of Tan. Karamo glanced at Antoni and realized.

"Let me show you to the guys" he took Antoni by the hand and showed him to the lounge. There he saw them on the sofa. Facing each other. Bobby had one leg overlapping the other with a glass of red wine in his hand. Tan was curled up with his legs up on the couch opposite bobby. He was holding a mock-tail, the same as Antoni, in one hand and his phone in the other. Antoni watched Tan keep looking down at it while talking to Bobby. Antoni couldn't help but think how handsome Tan looked. He watched him for a brief second before Bobby noticed Antoni was there. He enjoyed those moments, where he could look at him, like that.

"Finally! Another one!" Bobby cheered. He got up and gave Antoni a kiss on the cheek. "Ooh, you smell good! How's the new place?" Before Antoni could answer Karamo grabbed Bobby by the hand.

"Boobers, can I borrow you for a sec?" Karamo and Bobby left before Antoni could say anything. He was left with Tan. They both knew Karamo had taken Bobby away on purpose.   
Tan looked up from the couch at Antoni, rolled his eyes and smiled at Antoni. He patted the seat next to him and gestured him over. Antoni sat beside Tan, hands on either side of his legs, clutching onto the sofa. 

"How are you, my love?" Tan put his hand on Antoni's.

"Better." Antoni looked at Tan whose face lit up, eyes sparkling. Tan tilted his head and looked deep into Antoni's eyes before looking down at their hands, fingers intertwined.

"Nnyeah?" Tan looks back up, big brown eyes excited, he smiled. There was a moment where they just looked at each other. Antoni wondered what Tan was thinking. Was he just trying to make everything normal? Did he feel bad? Does he feel the same? 

"Nyeah." Antoni smiled at him. They stared for a moment before Tan threw his arms around Antoni and sat on his lap. 

"I've been wanting to do this all fucking day." Tan sat up on Antoni's lap from the embrace and ran his fingers through his hair. "Sounds dumb if I start apologizing again, so I'm not going to. I just want you to know that I love you." Antoni's throat tightened. For a second he wasn't sure how he meant that. But the innocent look on Tans face gave it all away. 

"You too," Antoni replied. Trying not to seem deflated. Tan lifted Antoni's chin with a finger. 

"You and I need a chat baby." Antoni felt his stomach flip. He didn't want to fight. "Don't worry i.." Tan was interrupted by a very flustered JVN. He turned up, wine bottle in hand, heels still on. He rushed over to the pair frantically.

"UMMMM HI. Yes, yes, yes. I'm here. Antoni. Tan. Hi gorgeous babies. Sorry, love to sit and chat and I know you two need that talk tonight--" Jonathan winked as he took a pause for breath. Antoni realized Jonathan knew but before he had a chance to piece everything together JVN carried on."Your gorgeous boyfriend just showed up Antoni." His eyes shifted to Tan and gave him a sad look. "Sorry baby," He started to shake hands in the air. "Help Henny." Tan looked deflated, he grabbed JVNs wine bottle and poured him a glass. 

Antoni leaped up and went towards the kitchen. Tan quickly followed him and pulled him back by the hand. He led him into the hallway. 

"We need to talk Ant. Go to him. But don't forget about me." Tan put a hand on his face and stroked his thumb over his lips again. Antoni quivered. Was everything he wished for finally coming true?

Tan quickly started to head back towards JVN. 

"Tanny!" Antoni shouted after him.

"Hello, they're gorgeous." Antoni felt his boyfriend Kevin put his arm around him and pull him in. The two shared a kiss. "I've been trying to call you all day." Antoni looked over at Tan who was pretending to have a converstation with JVN, but he was staring at Kevin and Antoni. He threw a look that made Antoni realise what Tan was wanting to talk about.


	6. Call Me Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karamo's party, jealousy rises for Tan.

Tan watched the doorway from the lounge to the hall. He watched as Antoni smiled when he saw Kevin. He watched as they greeted each other with a kiss. He couldn't stop staring. He balled his fists and he began to breathe loudly through his nostrils. 

"Don't let it get to you Tanny, don't show that you're upset or Kevin will know something's up." Jonathan handed Tan his drink. "Act natural." 

"I am! Everything's great. This whole situation is great." Tan laughed sarcastically but tried to look as if nothing was wrong.   
He watched as the kiss ended and Antoni looked at Tan. Tan shot him a look of hurt before he carried on laughing. 

"You know what? It's almost like he's trying to torture me. Funny that isn't it?" Jonathan widened his eyes at Tan's snarky comments.

"HONEY. You're torturing yourself. Stop staring." Jonathan wanted to look Antoni's way but he kept his eyes on Tan, trying to look natural as if the two were just having a normal conversation. 

"If I don't get to talk to Ant tonight because of Lurch over there," Tan jeered, to which Jonathan spluttered his drink out of his mouth and tried not to laugh.

"Okay, say what you want, but the man candy is mighty fine" Jonathan looked Kevin up and down while taking a sip of his drink. Tan looked at Jonathan with a displeasing look.  
"Look, Tanny, you know I love you. I'm not meaning this to be a bitch or to upset you. But it's a lot to take in. Also you only just told me today and shocker, I'm stunned." Jonathan was talking with his hands, talking fast, Tan just wanted him to get to the point. "You know I believe in like true love and all that shit. And I ADORE you and Antoni. You guys are my best friends. Would I love for you guys to be cute and be in love and get married and everything be sweet? Sure. But is it realistic and morally appropriate? Not at all." He paused and sighed before continuing. "However, is the hopeless romantic inside of me dying for this to work out? Of fucking course. I'm just struggling to see where you guys wouldn't come to blows over this. I'm sorry but he attempted one sloppy kiss on you this morning and look at the drama from that little baby sitch! AND I'm sorry but, what about Rob? We love Rob." Jonathan had the saddest expression while he stuck out his bottom lip. 

Tan looked at him before dropping his head in his hands. Tan loved Rob too. He loves him so much. But he was gone a lot of the time. They seemed to fight more, every time they would see one another. Tan would find himself not bothering to answer his calls. And making plans with friends instead when he was home. They obviously weren't happy. Not like they used to be. But he made a vow. Then Antoni pops into his head and his heart flutters. He feels tingles and this ball of energy rises up inside him. It feels warm and powerful. It makes him want to grab Antoni and kiss him. To push him up against the wall. To kiss his neck, his body. 

"Earth to Tan?" Jonathan began waving his hands in front of tans face. Tan jumped and got out of his daydream. 

"I know, you're right. I just didn't realize how much I wanted him until I admitted it out loud to you." Tan looked over at Antoni who was talking with Karamo and Ian. Kevin's arms wrapped around him. "He's just so bloody gorgeous and he's my Antoni. As if he's dating that bloody mannequin.”

"Again, don't hate me. But Kevin's actually a really nice guy if you talk to him." Jonathan wasn't sure how he could help Tan. He was confused. 

"So is Ted Bundy." Tan snapped.

"Dark." Nodded Jonathan. "I'm gonna go say hi. Remember act natural. I love you" 

"Love you too. Thanks, Jackie." Tan watched JVN skip away before getting his phone out again. More missed calls and messages. Tan rolled his eyes before opening the texts.  
Obviously everything is from Rob. 'Are you ignoring me?' And 'call me.' Tan exhaled loudly before calling rob and going into the hallway so he could hear him. He called and got no answer. Just his voicemail. He kept dialing before he got a message from his husband.

The message read 'Awkward time, busy right now.' Tan shook his head as he turned off his phone and put it in his pocket. Tan walked along the hallway and into the kitchen to avoid any small talk with Antoni and Kevin. 

"You guys talked then?" Karamo smiled as he walked in to pour Tan another drink. 

"No, he didn't answer." Tan didn't even look up.

"What do you mean?" 

"Oh, you mean Ant! Yeah, a little bit, well sort of." Tan quickly corrected himself.

"Good." Karamo handed Tan a drink. "Who were you talking about? Who did you think I meant?"

"Oh, Rob." Tan shrugged and thanked him for the drink. Karamo stopped and stared at Tan for a minute confused. "It's nothing."

"Doesn't sound like nothing. Trouble in paradise?" 

"No, everything's fine. He's just busy. Like me. We're always busy right?" Tan looked at Karamo hopeful. 

"Yeah baby, but we gotta make time for those we love. If you got love, you got time. You still got love right?" Karamo tried to sound casual but the look he was giving was definitely of concern. Tan thought about what he had just said. 

"Yeah of course!" Tan laughed awkwardly. Before he shot a look over at Antoni who was just walking into the kitchen. Karamo watched Tan's expression change and looked over to who he was looking at. Karamo looked back at Tan suspiciously. Then back at Antoni. 

"Are you sure everything is o--" Karamo started before Tan realized what he was thinking.

"Really need to pee. Back in a sec." Tan put down his drink and quickly scurried off back into the hallway. He walked along the dark corridor before reaching the bathroom. 

Tan felt around for a light near the bathroom. It was completely pitch black. He could barely see anything. He moved along the wall before the light came on. Tan squinted as his eyes readjusted. 

"Finally. Oh hey, Tan" Tan heard before looking up at the very tall, muscular, handsome man before him. It was Kevin."This place is crazy right? I don't think we've been properly introduced. Accept for a brief moment when you and Antoni were facetiming?" Tan didn't respond, he just stood there, mouth wide open. There was an awkward pause as Kevin looked to Tan for him to say something before he continued. "Anyway, I heard a lot about you and I've been dying to get to know you." Kevin reached out to shake Tan's hand. "I'm Kevin." He smiled sweetly at Tan, he was charming, he was so handsome. Tan looked up at him and instantly felt intimidated.

"Sorry yeah, nice to meet you finally." Tan went in for an awkward hug and kiss on the cheek. He leaned left, unfortunately, Kevin leaned the same way, it turned into some strange, awkward kiss on the face. "Oop, sorry." Tan laughed. He felt himself going red.

"Careful!" Kevin winked at Tan and laughed. "You should come and join us for a drink." He opened the bathroom door and held it open for Tan to enter. "I think Ian said there was another bathroom at the top of the stairs. See you in a few minutes." He smiled and walked away.

Tan walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He took out his phone and turned it on. Messages from Rob began to come through. So, he called his husband.

"He's alive!" Rob joked as he picked up the phone.

"I'm alive." Tan rolled his eyes.

"How's the party baby?"

"I realize its 9 pm and I should be getting ready for bed, but yes, it's great. Nice to catch up. How was the food? Hows Miaken?"

"Great thanks Grandpa, we're just binging Golden Girls and baking cookies. How is everybody?"

"Sounds like the Grandmas are having fun! Yeah everybody's good, I just met Kevin actually." Tan started.

"Oh cool. Sorry baby, Miaken is doing some weird dance and I think it means the baking is going wrong. Talk tomorrow sometime." Rob hung up pretty quickly. Tan looked down at his phone.

"Bye then." He whispered to himself. Another message came through on his phone.

'How much does 1 person need to poop in a day? Get off the shitter. A's alone, perfect talk time? + XTRA HOT GUY ALERT. NEED U!' JVN had a way with words.

Tan checked himself in the mirror, he made sure his hair was in place and he sprayed himself a little before applying a little lip balm. He wanted to look and smell good. He took a quick selfie before leaving for the lounge. 

"Tanny!" Antoni flung his arms around Tan. "God, you smell incredible." Antoni kept his arms around Tan's waist. He held him close and tighter than usual, he kept his chin high and looked down at him smiling before he winked. Tan felt himself melt. His legs felt like spaghetti. He quivered inside. Tan took a huge shaky breath, as he looked at Antoni's lips. "You look pretty jaw-dropping too." 

"I bet your boyfriend would love to hear you say that," Tan smirked as he lifted an eyebrow.

"Love to hear you say what?" Kevin appeared as if out of nowhere. The pair's eyes immediately widened as they slowly parted. 

"We can't tell you that! Might boost your ego too much, or horrify you, he's a cheeky one." Tan quickly made up something. Anything.

"Oh yeah, don't do that. I might not ever be able to take you home to mom." Kevin laughed. 

Tan felt eyes on him. He looked past the pair to see Karamo stood leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, arms folded. Staring at Tan and Antoni suspiciously.


	7. Alone, Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karamos party. 
> 
> A feud, a fumble and suspicion.

Antoni watched Tan in awe. He knew he shouldn't, especially with his boyfriend stood next to him. He started to wonder how much he'd heard from their conversation but he would drift into a wonderful daydream instead. He admired the shape of Tan. The quiff of his hair, his long dark eyelashes and beautiful dark brown eyes. His nose and cheekbones, his jawline and stunning lips. He wondered how they kissed, how they felt, how they tasted. He remembered Tan caressing his lips with his thumb, he remembers Tan staring at his lips intently like he wanted to kiss them. He imagined Tan kissing them. He closed his eyes for just a second and bit his lip.

"Everything ok gorgeous?" Kevin asked as he placed his hand on the bottom of Antonis back.

"What? Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?" Antoni jolted and opened his eyes. He faced Kevin who was staring at him confused. He looked back at Tan who seemed to have his mind somewhere else entirely. 

"Hello again boys" Karamo put his arms around Antoni and Tan. "I'm so glad you guys could make it. Did you manage to talk to Rob? Have you guys sorted things out?" Karamo turned to Tan.

"Erm yeah, yeah all sorted." Tan stuttered, then looked down at the floor. Antoni felt an awkward atmosphere. He didn't understand why. 

"Good. You know you should bring him next time. We all miss him" Karamo smiled. "They're such a sweet couple right Antoni?" 

Antoni felt himself grit his teeth at the comment and noticed Karamo staring.   
"Yeah, for sure." Antoni half smiled. Tan looked up at him for just a second with a hurt look on his face.

"I've heard so much about Rob. How long have you guys been together?" Kevin asked Tan. Antoni felt Kevin pull him closer.

"Long enough. We've been married for 12 years." 

"Wow. How do you do it?" Kevin laughed as he slowly let his hand wonder down to Antonis ass. Antoni felt more awkward. He didn't want Tan to see. He didn't want it to make him feel more guilty and put him off having their conversation. Antoni reached around and grabbed Kevin's hand and gave it a quick affectionate squeeze. 

"Lots of space and time. It's not easy." Tan folded his arms.

"Tan can I steal you for a quick second? Sorry guys." Bobby quickly came over and took Tan away by the hand.

Antoni watched him leave. He bit his lip again. 

"Come here" Kevin whispered. He felt him tugging him away into the hall. "Quick, follow me." Kevin lead Antoni up the dark staircase and into a dimly lit room. 

He looked around confused.

"Why are we--?" Antoni started. 

"Sshh ssh ssh" Kevin his hand over Antonis mouth. He had a wild glint in his eyes. He slowly backed Antoni up against the wall, hand still over his mouth. He ran his other hand through the boys hair before giving it a quick tug to expose his neck. 

He slowly started to kiss Antonis neck. The hand across his mouth fell down to his chest and the hand in his hair fell to his throat. Antoni loved it when Kevin would pull him away like this. He liked it like this. The hand on his throat turned him on.   
Antoni let out a small moan as his head fell back and his eyes closed. Kevin stopped kissing Antonis neck, so he could look down at his boyfriend for a moment. 

"Damn you're fucking hot" Kevin whispered as he watched Antoni. He started to kiss his lips before pulling away "I could see you thinking about this before" he said as he started to slowly let his hand caress Antonis body down to his pants. He felt the hard bulge as he slowly unzipped them.

"You did?" Antoni quietly moaned between staggered breaths. 

"You biting your lip downstairs before. Your eyes closed. I watched you" Kevin smiled and winked as he began to feel Antoni. 

Antonis eyes rolled back into his head 

He felt Kevin's hand stroking him, he felt himself getting harder. Tans face flashed into his mind. He imagined Tan kissing him, fumbling, sweating, the quick breaths. He moaned again before he opened his eyes and saw his boyfriend looking back at him. 

"No" antoni pushed Kevin away. 

Kevin looked stunned. 

"Why, what's the matter? No ones around." Kevin smiled as he began to pull at Antonis pants, exposing him. Antoni quickly pushed him away harder, making Kevin stumble back.

"I said no okay?!" Antoni snapped. Covering himself and pulling up his pants. "Just stop."

Kevin stepped back and frowned at him. 

"What's the problem? I thought you wanted this." 

"Well I don't okay? Not here. Not now." Antoni started to walk out before Kevin grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"What the fuck is the problem? You've been acting really fucking weird since last night. First you walk out, no one knows what happened to you. Then you ignore me all day today and now this?" He tightened his grip on Antonis arm. "Are you seeing someone else?" He looked furious. Antoni stared at Kevin's hand in his arm. 

"Get your hands off of me." Antoni didn't look away from Kevin's hand.

"Are you cheating on me?" Kevin tightened his hand again.

"No. I am not seeing anyone else. If you don't get your hand off of me I won't be seeing anyone at all." Antoni felt nervous but stood his ground. He looked up at Kevin who wasn't breaking eye contact. There was a pause before Kevin let go and pushed past Antoni.

Antoni followed him down the stairs and watched as Kevin left out of the front door before slamming it behind him. 

The slam of the door alerted the other boys. 

"What in the.." Karamo ran towards the door before turning around to see a very pale Antoni. 

Jonathan ran to Antoni and threw his arms around him. He held him tight and pressed Antonis head to his chest. He knew tears were about to flow. "And breathe baby" Jonathan stroked Antonis hair before he took a huge breath and let out a small whimper. He clutched onto JVN and buried his head into his chest.

Tan watched Antoni. He wanted to run to him. To help him. He wondered what had just happened. He took a step forward before catching Karamo's eye. Karamo shook his head at Tan, who then stepped back.  
Bobby frowned as he watched the way Karamo stopped Tan doing the thing he would always do. Comforting Antoni. He wondered why.

"Am I missing something?" Bobby muttered to Tan.

"No idea love" Tan whispered back.

Other guests started appearing in the hallway.   
"Shows over folks. Who wants a margarita?" karamo led the guests back into the kitchen but not before squeezing Antonis shoulder and whispering to him "if you need me you know where I am. Love you buddy" Antoni wiped his tears and smiled at Karamo. 

Jonathan wiped Antonis tears away with the sleeve of his sweater dress. 

"Two lots of tears in one day? That's no good baby. What happened?"

"I don't know. It's my fault." Antoni looked over at Tan. Jonathan followed the direction of Antonis eyes. 

"Wait...no! No you didn't. Honey no!"

"What? No I don't know what you're thinking but it's not what your thinking. This has nothing to do with him."

"OK PHEW! You're gonna give me a little baby heart attack."

Antoni watched as Bobby left to the kitchen, leaving Tan alone, watching. His brown eyes wide and cautious.

Jonathan took a look at Tan and then Antoni. 

"I'm gonna go grab one of those gorgeous margaritas henny. Come find me later k?" Jonathan kissed antoni on the forehead and Antoni nodded. 

Now they were alone.

Antoni turned and walked up the stairs. He got halfway before he turned around and looked down at Tan. 

"You just gonna stand there or?" He smiled.

Tan felt his heart quicken as he ran up towards Antoni. Antoni clutched onto Tans hand before leading him to the top of the stairs. The two wandered around upstairs before finding the balcony. They closed the door behind them and sat on the bench looking over the views.

Tan pulled Antoni close and looked him deep in his eyes, he wanted to kiss him there and then but he thought better of it. He wanted to know what had happened before he told Antoni how he felt but before he had chance to say anything Antoni moved back and changed his whole demeanour like he was trying to act like nothing had happened.

"So, before. You were saying..?" Antoni smirked as he ran his hand over Tans thigh.


	8. Life Is Simple In The Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter needs no intro. Just read.
> 
> A game changer.

Tan shivered as Antonis hand brushed his thigh. He forgot to breathe as he felt a rush inside of him. He looked like heaven. He was every kind of dream Tan had ever had. He admired his hair the way it effortlessly fell back, tousled yet never out of place. The way his hair met in the middle to form a widows peak that reminded him of the heartthrobs of the 60s. He admired his eyes, round and wide, innocent but with a certain kind of darkness and slight sadness. The way they were beautifully framed by his dark eyebrows, so expressive. His mouth. God that mouth. The way his lips would peak up slightly to the left when he talked or smiled. The way the corners of his mouth turned up slightly giving a smile even when he was serious.  
Why was he acting so strange though? Tan looked at him concerned.

"Well..?" Antoni continued. 

"Are you ok Ant? What just happened with Kevin?" Tan raised an eyebrow while running his hand up Antonis chest onto his shoulder.

"Oh that? Nothing." Antonis voice sounding high pitched while he looked away and onto the view from the balcony. "God it's beautiful here." He tried to change the subject.

"No baby, something happened. And I want to know what" 

"He was trying to..you know..and I didn't want to." Antoni shrugged before taking out his phone and unlocking it. 

Tan snatched the phone out of Antonis hand and placed it behind him. 

"You need to talk to me. Be honest. Why didn't you want to?" Tan was frustrated. "What happened?"

Antonis eyes filled with tears again before he swallowed them back. 

"You happened, ok?" Antoni turned to Tan. 

"What do you mean?" Tan stopped and stared at Antoni. 

"Last night, I was out with friends, some new friends of Kevin's. I was drinking. He kissed me. Usually I want it ok? I always want it. I mean look at him. And he's nice ok?" Antoni swallowed like he was choking up. He looked back out at the view. Too scared to look Tan in the eyes while he confessed. "Then I thought of you. I thought of every single time you're around me and all I want is to fucking kiss you. All I want is to love you Tan" Tan felt a lump in his throat. "All I want is to show you how much I love you. Every single day. I love you. Okay? And not like I'm supposed to. I tried not to. You're supposed to be like a brother to me. Instead I just think about kissing you and touching you. And all this crazy stuff. I tell myself I don't. But I can't help it." Antoni stared out too scared to turn to Tan. He took a few deep breaths before he continued. "I wanted you last night. I guess I texted you drunk. I left when no one was looking. I didn't say anything. I went home and I played sad music and cried over you. Like a dumb teenager. The truth is Tan. I know it's wrong but--"  
Tan grabbed hold of antoni and turned him to face him.

"Then don't let it be right" Tans breath was shaking. He was trembling. He stared into Antonis eyes. Antoni looked back at him. Their eyes locked and Tan felt a warm rush in his chest. Antonis eyes fell to Tans lips then back to his eyes. Tan did the same. 

Antoni put is hands on either side of Tans head as he pulled him in. Their lips met and when they did, there were sparks. Tan felt fluttering inside of him. His heart skipped. He felt as though there were a million butterflies in his chest fluttering to get out. Antonis lips were soft and warm, they felt like they belonged on his. The kiss was magical. 

He wanted him bad. He wanted him closer. Tan pulled away and Antoni looked at him with a fearful look in his eyes. Like he was scared he was going to leave. Tan stood up and turned to him with a smile. He reached out his hands and pulled Antoni up so he was stood facing him. 

"How can something so wrong feel this fucking right?" Tan whispered as he looked up into the brown eyes before him.  
He put his hands around the back of Antonis head and pulled him into another kiss. This one, just as magical as the last. He slowly began to part his lips slightly and felt the tip of his tongue touch Antonis. He immediately felt as if he was floating. Antoni wrapped his arms around Tans waist and went in for a deeper kiss. They both began smiling through pressed lips. 

This was everything he had ever imagined and more. The deeper the kiss got, the more their bodies pressed together. The heat between them was palpable. Tan ran his fingers through Antonis hair before placing one hand on his face to pull him in as much as he could, his other hand ran down to his collar where he pulled on it. He pulled the collar in a fist closer and closer. Antoni grabbed onto Tan hard as he pulled him in. 

The tension was rising and they wanted each other bad. Tan could feel how bad they wanted it by the feeling when he pressed up against him.

"Fuck." Tan pulled back leaving Antoni looking scared again. "You're fucking irresistible." He stared at Antonis lips almost swollen from the intense lip locking. Antoni grinned, his eyes wide and love struck. He went back for more before realising where he was.

"This is the worst place to be doing this sweetheart." Tan looked out over the balcony. 

"You're right. But it's so beautiful here." Antoni looked out over the views while pulling tan close to him. Tan looked out and breathed heavy. "Although the view right here is my favourite." Antoni smiled adoringly as he looked down at Tan.

“You big softie! Silly boy!" Tan blushed. He let out an adorable giggle before grabbing Antonis hand. He winked at him before leading him back inside. Antoni just stared at Tan in pure lust as he was pulled indoors. He was besotted. 

Antoni closed the curtains behind the glass doors to the balcony. 

"Tanny, I don't want to sound crazy, but what does all this mean?" Antoni was scared to ask. But he felt he had less to loose. After all, Tan was married. Was this just a kiss?

Tan turned around and held both of Antonis hands flirtatiously before leading him toward the back of the door to the hallway. 

"Are you going psycho on me already?" Tan winked and grinned. His back hit the door before he pulled Antoni in for another kiss. "I seriously can't get enough. I never knew anything could feel this good." 

"I know," Antoni put his arm up against the door, above Tans head as he leaned down to taste the mans mouth. He stopped for a second to carry on. "I'm scared, you don't understand how much I want this. But what about him? What about Rob?" Antoni hates saying his name. When he said it, it made everything more real.

"You're right. I'm supposed to be a genuine, honest person. I pride myself on that. I do love him, just not in this way. I love him the way I'm supposed to love you. But I want you, the way I'm supposed to want him." Tan leaned forward and pressed his forehead into Antonis shoulder. He let out a sigh. Antoni stroked the back of Tans head. "What am I supposed to do Ant? I don't think I can stop this. I can't let this go." He put his face in his hands and let it another hard breath. Antoni lifted Tans chin up to face him. And stared into his eyes.

"Whatever you need I'll be there. I will do whatever it takes. Anything. I'm not letting this go." He pressed his forehead on Tans and held him close.  
The two stood there, close. Closer than they've ever been but not as close as they wished. 

"Come on, we should probably go downstairs before everyone wonders where we are. It's late!" Tan said as he gave Antoni another quick kiss, before stepping out to the stairs. 

The two walked down into the lounge, where a very drunken Bobby greeted them. 

"Aaand where have you two been?" Bobby loudly teased before he took another sip of his margarita. 

"Balcony. I was trying to see if I could make out GiGis house from here." Antoni lied. Tan nodded. 

"Oop. Have you tried the margarita?" Bobby was a loud drunk but adorable all the same.

"We don't drink Bobby. Remember?" Tan laughed. 

"Oh that's right. I always wonder what that's like." Bobby laughed and hugged the boys. "I love you guys!" Bobby hiccuped before going to refill his glass. 

Jonathan was also half drunk, flirting with a very handsome man in a leather jacket in the corner of the room. 

Antoni started to walk across to room towards JVN  
before stopping to the sound of his phone beeping. Tans phone beeped at the same time. As did JVNs.

The three of them checked their phones. 

Tan felt his stomach flip and his legs shake. All three boys looked up at each other in horror. As they realised they had all received the same message. 

From an anonymous number. In the message it read  
'Was it worth it? Be careful what you wish for'  
and below the text was a picture of Tan and Antoni deep in a kiss, moments before on the balcony. The picture looked like it had been taken from outside. 

"You two. Outside. Now." JVN grabbed his wine bottle and phone and quickly ran towards the door.


	9. 12:51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The anonymous message has three of the boys panicking. But will temptation be too much for two of them?

Antoni froze in shock. Tan quickly walked towards him and grabbed his hand before pulling him outside behind JVN. 

"Okay seriously? What the fuck you guys? What is this? And I'm not just talking about the scandal in the picture, although believe me, we'll get to that. I'm talking about the extra creepy stalker vibes." Jonathan seemed frantic as he held up the picture on his phone and pointed to it. Tan quickly lowered jvns hands and looked around in a panic.

"Sssh shh sh! For all we know that dickhead could still be out here. What the fuck?" Tan hushed. 

"Kevin. It has to be Kevin right?" Antoni suggested in a trembling voice.

"Well done you guys. I hope for the both of you that I'm the only other person to get this message." Jonathan took another look at the text. "Shit, what if karamo and Bobby got it. What if Rob got it? What if Kevin got it and it wasn't him that sent it? What if they leak it? I mean look at the message! Threatening much?!"

The three of them froze and stared at each other for a second. Tan stormed off into the darkness shouting.

"Right that's it you fucking nutter. Come out!" 

"Tanny no. Come on, come inside let's figure this out away from whoever is doing this" Antoni pleaded.

"He's right Tan." Jonathan sighed as he walked into the darkness to bring Tan back. Antoni looked around in the dark nervously. He felt paranoid. He also worried his dream with Tan was already over. If the person who sent the picture leaked the picture, everything would be over, his career, everything he'd worked for, friendships, everything he had with Tan. 

"What is going on out here?" Karamo appeared behind Antoni, making him jump. Karamo looked slightly pissed off but very concerned. 

"Oh nothing, we thought we heard something near the gates." Antoni felt like he had spent the entire night lying to Karamo. 

"Uh huh," Karamo frowned at him before raising an eyebrow then shaking his head. "Whatever. I think we're ending the night soon. Why not come inside?" 

Just then Tan and Jonathan walked back, shaking their heads, as if to report that there was no one around. Antoni let out a sigh of relief before the three of them followed Karamo back inside. Before they acted like everything was normal, Jonathan turned to them and pointed at them both.  
"This isn't over. I'm still mad at you a little," he walked away before rushing back to whisper "but also, love you. And omg cayooooote!" He gushed. 

Antoni searched for Tans hand beside him. He felt nerves in the pit of his stomach. Dread. Dread that if Tan didn't reach for his hand, he had lost him. He worried that this was all too much for Tan, that he could have already made up his mind, that to him, this was just a bad mistake. His hand searched before his heart warmed and his shoulders released tension as he felt Tan firmly grab hold of his hand and squeeze it tight. 

He looked at Tan who looked worried, but through it he gave Antoni a reassuring smile and a wink. Tan looked around before mouthing the words to Antoni "it's gonna be okay." Antoni wanted to be alone with Tan. To figure this out with him, to taste his kiss again. Even with the road block he was hungry for more. He had to talk to Tan, alone. But how could he break away without causing more suspicion? 

"I gotta pee!" Antoni thought out loud. To which the boys turned around. 

"Thanks for the announcement Antoni. You know how to use a bathroom right?" Karamo laughed as he disappeared down the hallway.

Antoni squeezed tans hand again before breaking away to the bathroom down the dark corridor. He turned to see Jonathan and Tan follow Karamo into the kitchen. 

Then went inside the bathroom and locked the door. Antoni quickly pulled out his phone and began to message Tan. The back and forth was quick.

A: 'I got away so I could talk to you without people around. Can you message?' 

T: 'Yes. I'll say it's Miaken. This is all really fucked up.'

A: 'I know. But we'll figure this out. I told you. I'll do anything. We can work this out.'

T: 'I hope so darling. I want to just be with you right now. I wish we could leave together.' 

A: 'Then let's go. I'll call an Uber.'

T: 'No! Are you kidding? We can't leave together! What if that loon is still out there? What's Jonny gonna say? Karamo is definitely already suspicious. It's a bad idea.' 

A: 'Then we'll call separate Ubers. Different times. I can meet you at my place?' 

Antoni waited for a reply. Tan kept on typing and then disappeared. He couldn't stay in there much longer without it being suspicious. 

A: '?' 

T: 'Sorry I just mentioned leaving and Jonathan wants to get an Uber with me. His place is just past the hotel I'm staying at. Order an Uber to my hotel, then when you come out to say your goodbyes, I'm gonna put my keycard in your pocket. Then I'll call an Uber with Jonny after you leave, meet you there? Be careful not to be seen.' 

Antoni felt his heart skip. He was excited to spend alone time with Tan now they had no secrets of their feelings for each other. He imagined what could happen. It was even more exciting that it was a secret too. Just for him and Tan. Then the reality hit. He could be the center of a scandal in tomorrow's headlines.   
Antoni quickly ordered an Uber to Tans hotel, then stepped out of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen to say goodbye to the other boys.   
"Well I better go, my Uber will be here soon. Thank you for the party Karamo. It was a great night!" Antoni hugged Karamo who held him close, he smelled like beer, mint and really great cologne. 

"When you're ready to talk about what's going on. Talk to me. I'm less likely to be mad if I hear it from the horses mouth. Whatever it is. Maybe I could offer you some help." Karamo whispered in his ear before pulling away and smiling. "Thanks for coming boo, it was so good to see you."  
Antoni felt his stomach turn. He knew. He had to.   
Antoni then turned to Jonathan who wrapped his arms around antoni so tight. He waited for the next load of whispers in his ear. 

"We need to catch up so bad. This psycho won't win. I promise I'll do what I can." Jonathan then pulled away and cheered "bye baby! Miss you already" 

He then turned to Tan. The hug get awkward in front of Jonathan and Karamo, he felt like they were silently judging every slight movement between them. He felt Tan wrap his arms around his waist. "See you, love." Tan said as he pulled away. Antoni quickly out his hand in his pocket to find the keycard. Sneaky, he thought. He looked up at Tan who gave him a quick wink.

Antoni tried not to smile too wide. 

"Hey Karamo, do you have like a big hoodie for the way home that could borrow? I'm cold."

"Um sure. What color?”

"Well not glitter or purple," antoni chuckled as karamo laughed. "black is fine?"

"Sure." Karamo quickly ran up stairs for the hoodie. 

"You better not be leaving without saying goodbye!" Bobby shouted as he kissed Antoni on the cheek. 

"Of course not!" Antoni turned around and hugged him. 

Karamo appeared with the hoodie. 

"Thank you! Goodbye everyone" Antoni said   
as he hurried off to the Uber outside. He clutched on tight to Karamos hoodie as he got into the Uber. 

"Where to pumpkin?" A woman in the front seat smiled. She had a very strong southern accent. She was in her late 30s, bright blonde hair, plenty of volume. Thick eyelashes clumping together with mascara. And bright red lipstick that looked like it was smudged and wearing off in the center. The woman seemed oddly familiar. 

"I think i said when I ordered it?" Antoni looked confused. "Do I know you?"

"Who lil darlin'? Me? I don't think so. You visit nashville a ton?" She chewed loudly through her gum. Before pulling a piece of her hair that got caught in her mouth. 

"Nope." Antoni shook his head. He began to feel awkward and was hoping she wouldn't talk to him.  
"Then I doubt it." She shrugged as she checked the app on her phone. "Gotcha! Hotel huh? You from far?" She started the car and began to drive out of the gates. 

"NYC. I'm here for work." Antoni hoped the hotel wasn't far away. 

"Ohh big time huh? What are you? An actor or?" Her chewing began to progressively get more annoying. 

"Something like that." Antoni let out a fake laugh.   
"You know," the lady looked at antoni through her rear view mirror. "Yall look familiar too actually, have you been an extra on Greys Anatomy?"   
Antoni felt offended. 

"No." He replied, short but not trying to seem rude. 

"Hmm now where do I know you from?" She was consistent. It was irritating Antoni. He had way too much on his mind right now. 

The woman then started talking about the celebrities she had previously picked up when working for Uber, and proceeded with long boring stories. Antoni half listened, enough to react correctly. Meanwhile he put on the hoodie, it was too big for him. Perfect. With the hood up, it would hide him well.

"Well lil'darlin, I think we found your spot." The woman pulled up to the front of the hotel.

"Thank you very much, pleasure to meet you..uhh..." Antoni held out his hand to shake hers. 

"Julie." She smiled as she shook his hand.

Antoni put up his hood and climbed out of the car and into the hotel. He turned around from the lobby and looked out of the glass door to see the woman drive away, eyes barely leaving him. He got a very unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

However, he didn’t have time to think about that now. He had to find Tans room and get inside without being seen. He suddenly realised how suspicious he looked with a huge black hood up. A man from behind the desk began to walk over to Antoni who pretended to not see him.

“Excuse me sir!” The man called after him. Antoni quickly walked towards the lift down the marble corridor. “Sir!”

Antoni sighed and turned around.

“Can I help you?” The man tried to look at Antoni’s face under the hood. Antoni slowly peeled back the hood enough to show the man his face.

“I’m sorry, I’m trying not to be recognised.” Antoni felt awkward, he didn’t want to sound pretentious, but he knew what was at stake. “Sorry if I startled you,”

“Of course. Sorry sir.” The man bowed his head. Antoni fumbled with the keycard and room number tan stuck to the back. He looked confused. “Let me check that, I’ll you show you where to go. You might want to keep your head down until we make it to the lift.” The man smiled.

“Yes. Thank you so much.” Antoni smiled as he let out a breath. He followed the man into the lift.

“No problem sir.” There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment. Antoni waited until the lift doors opened and followed the man down another beautifully decorated corridor.

“I’m staying with a friend, he hasn’t made it just yet.” Antoni looked for anything to say.

“Yes, Mr France.” The man smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, I’m good with confidentiality. I’ve never seen you before.” He winked before he showed Antoni the door to the room. “Enjoy your stay. I’m not supposed to say this but, you guys helped my son find the confidence to come out to my wife and I. For that I will be forever grateful. You do great work. We love your show. I promise, I will keep this a secret.”

Antoni felt tears fill his eyes and he gave the man a hug, thanked him and said goodbye. He opened the door into the room and took off Karamo’s hoodie. Tans suitcase was open at the foot of the bed, hair products and underwear filled it up. Coat hangers draped suits and shirts at the door of the closet. Tans glasses lay out on the nightstand with a glass of water he hadn’t finished the night before. Antoni found himself admiring these things, the small things he had never noticed. He dropped onto the bed face-first, where he caught a scent of Tan on the pillow, his heart warmed. Antoni found himself smiling for a few seconds before he heard his phone beep.

T: ‘Be there in a few!’

Antoni bit his lip in an attempt to stop smiling and looked around the room. He got up and made drinks for the both of them, lit a candle and played Tans playlist he had made on Antoni’s Spotify from a road trip they had 2 months ago. Antoni looked around the room again. ‘Too sexy?’ he thought to himself, he had a habit of doing that.

Antoni heard the door handle nudge and his heart quickened. He watched as Tan walked into the room and closed the door. 

"My God! Jonathan was driving me in-fucking-sane all the way home." Tan took off his jacket and put down his phone and key card on the table. He stopped to look around before his eyes settled on Antoni. Tans face lit up. "The candles and music. Aren't you the cutest thing?" He pursed his lips and blew out a breath to try and contain himself. "You are.." Tan stared at Antoni for a moment, he smiled wide as he shook his head. 

Antoni watched him in disbelief, he couldn't comprehend that Tan was actually into him. In that way. He could barely believe that now they were alone, no one knew. He stared at Tans lips, then looked him up and down flirtatiously, and then grinned.   
"Why don't you get over here?" 

Tan paced in front of Antoni trying to contain himself. "Urgh" Tan groaned in a laugh. "I want you so bad Antoni. Like so fucking bad." 

He began to bite his thumb. 

Antoni got up off the bed and slowly walked towards Tan. "You have no idea how much I need you right now." 

Tans eyes followed Antoni and soon he found his hands running down Antonis chest. 

"Fuck." Tan put a hand on Antonis cheek and brought him closer. "Then show me." Tan pulled Antonis mouth to his before falling into a hot kiss.   
Antoni felt his shirt lifting as he felt Tan pulling it up. He pulled it off so he was stood there, shirtless, both of them panting, lips swollen.

"Are you sure you want this? Me? What about everything going on?" Antoni worried.

"Tomorrow, if this nutter sending the picture leaks it, we could wake up to shit from every angle. So let's make the most of it. I want you Antoni. I need you. So let me love you. We'll deal with it tomorrow."

"I love you Tanny." Antoni looked nervous but he had tears in his eyes. 

"Aww baby," tan wiped Antonis face before changing his tune "is this gonna be some sweet slow stuff then?" Tan started to pull Antoni in by his trousers, he kissed him again.

"It can be whatever you want baby." Antoni took off Tans shirt and wet his lips. He pulled him in again for another passionate kiss.

****

Meanwhile, Jonathan was pacing around his apartment. 

"Come on! Pick the fuck up!" He dialled Antoni and Tan over and over. But they just rang out.  
He looked down at the new message he received. This time it was two pictures. One of Antoni in Karamos hoodie, stood in the lobby of Tans hotel and the other of Tan entering the hotel. The message read 'Who else are they going to lie to? Time is running out.' 

"Fuck!" Jonathan frantically checked the time, 1:30am. "You two will be the death of me!" He muttered.


	10. At The Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! EXPLICIT CONTENT.
> 
> Its been too long, I apologise for the insane wait. But she's here!  
Also now I'm back into the swing of it, expect regular updates!
> 
> I'd reread the last chapter if I were you, we lead straight on from there.  
Hope you enjoy!

Tans head whirled in pure ecstasy as he tasted Antoni's mouth. He felt hands fall from his back slowly to his waist, then down again. He felt fingers fold under the top of his pants, they wandered around to the front where they began to frantically undo the button and zip. He felt Antoni's tongue slip deeper into his mouth with more pressure. 

Tan used to hate kissing with tongues, he never understood it, it always felt sloppy and slightly gross to him before. Not this time. This time he understood it. It was like electricity passed through the two of them, purely by the dance their mouths made. Charging them with a voltage, making him tingle all over, he felt the unbearable need. He understood addiction at that moment. He wanted more of this drug, this drug that had now managed to get him stood in just his underwear, panting, moaning. 

Antoni pulled away and looked deep into Tan's eyes before dropping to his knees. Tan watched him, his eyes darkening. His heart was racing faster as Antoni stared up at him, with round, brown eyes widening. Tan reached out and ran his hands through Antoni's hair, tugging slightly, every time his fingers clenched and pulled at the dark strands, he watched as Antoni closed his eyes and bit his lip. The harder he tugged, the more Antoni squirmed with lust.

“You like that?” Tan smirked looking down at him. 

“Fuck yeah” Antoni breathed, grinning, before running his hands up Tans legs. He slowed his hands and ran his thumbs up the inside of Tan's thighs. He watched the movement, the twitching beneath Tan's underwear. “Can I?” Antoni stared at Tan's barely contained package and back up at him.

“Mr Consent. I love that.” Tan smiled. “Please do. Fuck, you’re driving me insane.” He breathed heavily and closed his eyes for a second, as he did he felt Antoni's hands move to his waistband and slowly peel it down, exposing him. Slight nerves shivered down Tans spine as he realised he was fully exposed, fully naked and Antonis face was right there. Tan kept his eyes shut. He felt soft fingers move to his length and felt the hands slowly trail up and down, caressing him. Tan let out a moan, he felt pure bliss. 

“Is that good?” Antoni's voice was deeper and husky. 

“So, fuckin, good,” Tan whispered, before gasping a quick breath as he felt something new. He felt Antoni's mouth, slowly take him in. He felt his tongue slide down his shaft before slowly whirling around the end. “Fuck. Holy fuck.” Tan gripped onto Antoni's hair and opened his eyes to see the man slowly working him. He watched him. Antoni looked up at Tan with a glint in his eye Tan had never seen in him before, wild. He watched his head bob, every time it did he felt a wave of pure euphoria. 

When Tan closed his eyes again, Antoni watched him, he watched every tiny wrinkle on his face move with every slick of his tongue. He revelled in it. He began to speed up a little and watch as Tans head fell back into a deep groan. He realised nothing brought him more pleasure than pleasuring Tan. “My god. I don’t know how much longer I can take thi..” Tan panted heavily, opening his eyes and raising his brows in the middle, he pulled Antoni away quickly by his hair.

“Fuck.” Antoni grinned. “You taste amazing” he slicked back his hair, lips wet.

“I was gonna..” Tan rolled his eyes and froze for a second while he tried to regain some form of composure. “Fuck you’re good.” The two locked eyes, this moment felt dangerous.

“Are you okay Tanny?” Antoni needed reassurance. Tan just stared back, deeper. He slowly got down on his knees facing Antoni, who was sat up supporting his weight by leaning back on his hands, shirtless, beads of sweat glowing off his face and chest. 

“I’m falling..” Tan frowned. 

“You’re already on the ground silly!” Antoni playfully smiled.

“No,” Tan stared deep into Antoni's eyes, whose eyes seemed to suddenly be locked into a spell. Antonis face softened.

“What do you mean?” Antoni tilted his head and caressed Tan's face.

“I’m really falling, harder than I thought I could.” Tans face was serious, but his eyes were soft, the two stared for a moment before Tan leant in to kiss him again. This time, slowly pushing him down until Antoni's rippling body lay under Tan on the floor. He held the man beneath him, running his hands over the soft, taut skin and quivered. He pressed his lips a little lighter onto Antoni's lips before stopping and looking down at him. A wave of disconcertment took over Tan's expression. “This is so risky, it’s scaring me a bit. I want this so bad, But I’m risking everything” Tan watched as a tear ran down the side of Antoni's eye. Antoni quickly wiped it away in the hopes Tan hadn’t seen. “Oh, baby boy.” Tan leant down and kissed Antoni where the tear had fallen. 

“Please let me stay. Don’t give up already.” Antoni pleaded this was the voice of his soft heart, urgently pleading, trying not to crumble. “I’ll do anything. Want me to move to England with you? Want me to give up work? I’ll do it.” Antoni slowly started to cry again.

“It’s not that simple.” Tan started to cry too. “Besides, I could never have you do any of that, I love you. I really love you.” Tan slowly started to feel an intense rush as the realisation of how strong his feelings were taking over. “I’m sorry.” 

“No, please.” Antoni started to beg, the fear of abandonment sent shockwaves of panic through him. But before he could finish, his mouth was once again entangled in Tans, pacifying the fear. More small tears left Antoni's eyes and he kissed him harder. The emotions were overwhelming. He kissed him hard through tears, tears of fear but mostly tears of pure love and the relief that he had him at this moment.

“I’m sorry Antoni. I can’t stand to ever see you hurting.” Tan stared into the round brown eyes again. The sweet naivety and pureness of Antoni always melted him. “I don’t ever want to be the one that makes you cry.” He admired every line of Antoni's face, the structure of his bones, his skin, his eyes, nose and mouth. That mouth, it always was a weak spot. In the past, Tan would find himself staring a little too long at that mouth. “I won’t ever make you cry, I promise. Cry out my name, make you scream…Sure. But hurt you? Never.”

“Then make me scream. Make me cry out your name.” Antoni's expression barely changed, just a glimmer of that wild look from earlier lit up behind his eyes. Tan bit his lip, he watched him for a moment, like he was figuring out if he should address the rollercoaster of head fuckery he just put Antoni through, or whether he should do as he asked, give into him. The latter was too tempting. After all, his drug was right there, ready to be taken, ready to give him the buzz of his life. 

Antoni raised an eyebrow, smirked in the corner of his mouth. Tan could drool right now, his eyes scanned Antoni's eyes, then mouth and wet his lips before starting to kiss Antoni's neck, he slowly kissed and pinched playfully with his teeth at his neck and ear. Antoni's eyes rolled as he arched his back, toes curling. He groaned as he felt Tan's hands explore his body. Tan's breath in his ear and on his skin sent shivers down his spine.

“I’m gonna love you..” Tan whispered. “I’m gonna love you so fucking hard” Tan whispered into Antoni's ear as his hands found what they were looking for. Antoni grinned as he let out a moan and covered his eyes with his arm. He felt Tan pull off his Calvins and begin to glide his palm over him, wrapping his fingers around and begin to work him. He felt Tan's breath move to his groin. He quickly opened his eyes, lifted his head off the ground and looked down. He didn’t want to miss watching Tan's lips take him in.  
Tan looked Antoni in the eye as he slowly lowered his mouth onto him, enveloping Antoni's appendage. He sucked slowly at first, lips sliding up and down, tongue dancing, massaging him. Not once did he break eye contact, he wanted to admire Antoni in this state. 

Antoni struggled to keep it together. His arms now behind his head, biting his lip so hard he was sure it could bleed, eyes trying not to get lost rolling back, trying to remain focused on Tan. He moaned louder. Louder. “Oh, shit” Antoni breathed trying not to break that wall, once that wall was broken he was sure to orgasm. He struggled to stop himself. “Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop!” Antoni threw his hands in the air and buckled his hips trying to stop himself. “I need you” 

“Quick boy” Tan smiled still holding onto him with one hand. “Hold on” Tan quickly got up and rushed into a draw and retrieved a small bag where he rummaged for a moment.

Antoni lay there on the floor, smiling, his heart warm, excited and in love. He felt as if he were in a dream. “I can’t wait.” Antoni beamed. 

“Yeah?” Tan grinned still rummaging. “Me either.” He soon found the condom and lube he was looking for and rushed back over onto the ground with his Polish lover. 

“I love you” Antoni quietly murmured, smiling, in a baby voice. 

“I love you too” Tan giggled, adoringly. He kissed Antoni again, tongues started their waltz, he felt Antoni's legs slowly making their way up to wrap themselves around Tans waist. 

“My god Tan.” Antoni breathed. Sweat ran along their bodies, lit by a mixture of moonlight and the flicker of a couple of flames from the candles lit earlier. It mixed together, skin softly gliding against one another. Each touch, more sensitive and magical than the last. 

“You look gorgeous in this light sweetheart.” Tan looked up into his favourite eyes and kissed the mouth below them. 

**BANG BANG BANG**

The two men froze as they felt their hearts drop. The loudest bangs pelted the door. They stayed frozen, nervous, waiting, listening for something else. They stared at the door for a moment.

**BANG BANG BANG**

Wide-eyed from confusion and panic the two quickly got up and tried to grab something to cover their naked bodies. Tan grabbed a white bathrobe from the door to the bathroom. Antoni pulled on a pair of jeans. He saw the condom wrapper and lube and quickly stashed it at the bottom of Tans suitcase. 

“Who the fuck is that?” Antoni whispered panicking. “It’s almost 3 am!” All sorts of options ran through his mind, from realistic to impossible. It sounded urgent and demanding enough to be police. Or someone mad. KEVIN! Was it Kevin? Rob? Could it be? He thought to himself. “What if it’s a ghost?” Antoni said out loud. Tans face said it all. 

“Really? You think we’re being haunted by some fucking homophobic ghost?” 

**BANG BANG BANG**

“YES! Alright, you woke me! I’m coming.” Tan yelled to whoever was behind the door. Antoni quickly ran into the bathroom in case it was someone he needed to be hiding from. Tan placed his hand on the doorknob and slowly turned it. He took a deep breath before opening the door. Who was behind the door? No one. Tan immediately frowned, confused. “Hello?” he called as he stepped out into the corridor. He felt his heart thumping, something about this unsettled him. “Hello?” He called again. Antoni heard him and came to see what was happening. He stepped out into the marble corridor to see only Tan, no one around. 

“What the..?” He felt shivers down his spine. This corridor reminded him of the shining, not because it in any way resembled it aesthetically, more because the idea of hotels creeped him out entirely, thanks to that movie. “This is giving me the creeps.”

“Just kids playing.” Tan rolled his eyes and made his way back into the hotel room. “Swines.” He sniggered as he saw how quickly Antoni followed him. “Freaked out love?” He laughed.

“A little.” Antoni closed the door behind him. He followed Tan towards the bed and grabbed him by the waist. Tan turned around quickly putting his arms around Antoni's neck and smiling up at him. “Now where were we..?” Antoni winked.

**BANG BANG BANG**

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Tan lunged towards the door. “Little bastards!” He shouted as he flung open the door.  
He felt shivers down his spine. No one around again. 

“Tan…look.” Antoni was staring at the bottom of the doorway, Tan looked and saw a polaroid. Underdeveloped. Freshly taken. Antoni bent down and picked it up, trying to make it out. While shaking the polaroid he noticed a note on the back. 

_‘By the time this picture is developed, love will be lost.  
Oink, oink.’_


End file.
